On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
 
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:-
'Could they possibly get married in Heaven?'
 
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
 
St. Peter was somewhat taken aback and said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and then walked back into heaven, closing the gates behind him.
 
The couple sat and waited, and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. And as they did, they wondered if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it didn't work out? Would they be stuck together forever?'
 
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, harassed and worn out.
 
"Yes." he sighed. "You can get married in Heaven."
 
"Great!" exclaimed the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
 
 St. Peter, red-faced with anger, exploded, and slammed his clipboard onto the ground so hard that it shattered into a thousand pieces.
 
"What's wrong?" quaked the frightened couple.
 
" Good God!!! Screamed St. Peter. "It's taken me three sodding months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take to find a bloody solicitor?"

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make." 

A BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,long time.
 
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
 
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview
 
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, What's your name?"
 
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
 
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
 
"For about 60 years."
 
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
 
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
 
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
 
"Like I'm talking to a fu***** brick wall!"

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think  of an answer for her first question. 

2010 Darwin awards 

5th Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24
He was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing.
Death was caused when the long torch that he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed through his "brain" into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26
He was killed even as he won a bet with friends, who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place:   David Zaback 19

After carefully avoiding a marked police patrol car parked at the front door of the shop,a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.

The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.

Apparently shocked at seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire.
Several customers, not wanted to be left out, also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds on the robber's corpse.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.

No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie
They were bored just driving around at 2 a.m.
So they lit a stick of dynamite, planning to toss out the car window, to see what would happen.
It seems they failed to notice the car window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham
Bingham had been drinking late into the night with several friends, when one of them said he knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local river bridge in the middle of traffic rush hour.
The conversation grew quite heated and at least 10 men, in various stages of intoxication, trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered they had neglected to bring a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, located a coil of lineman's cable which lay nearby.
His friends secured one end of the cable around Bingham's leg and then secured the other end to the bridge.
Bingham launched himself from the bridge, and his fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore off his foot at the ankle.
Miraculously, he survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two fishermen. 

Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (of Paderborn, Germany)
Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative, and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally achieved critical mass. 

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where unfortunately he struck his head on a rock.
There, while prostrate, the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL! 

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?  
 
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into urine”  
 
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.  

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

 

"No, it's turned black." 

Ever wondered about Drs notes ?

Plumbum oscillans is no threat to health -- it is Latin for "swinging the lead," and it is the doctor's discreet way of concluding that you are a malingerer, someone seeking a sick note to take time off work. 

These and other terms are part of a secret language, indecipherable to outsiders, that doctors use with each other to convey a truth that is otherwise unsayable, especially to the patient. 

The slang can be cruel, insulting and highly inventive, says Adam Fox, a specialist registrar at the Child Allergy Unit at St. Mary's Hospital in London, who has put together a dictionary of the terms. 

They include British emergency-room acronyms such as UBI (for "Unexplained Beer Injury", PAFO ("Pissed And Fell Over" and ATFO ("Asked To F... Off", not to mention Code Brown, referring to a faecal incontinence emergency. 

Then there is DBI, for "Dirtbag Index." This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient's body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath. 

Relatives of patients on the critical list may blanche if they knew what CTD, GPO or Rule of Five mean on their loved-one's records. 

The first means "Circling The Drain", the second signifies "Good for Parts Only" and "Rule of Five" means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance. 

A patient who is "giving the O-sign" is very sick, lying with his mouth open. This is followed by the "Q-sign" -- when the tongue hangs out of the mouth -- when the patient becomes terminal. 

General practitioners may use LOBNH ("Lights On But Nobody Home" or the impressively bogus Oligoneuronal to mean someone who is thick. 

But they also have a somewhat poetic option: "Pumpkin positive", referring to the idea that the person's brain is so tiny that a penlight shone into his mouth will make his empty head gleam like a Halloween pumpkin. 

If a doctor is stumped for what is wrong with his or her patient, they may record GOK, for "God Only Knows." 

As for genetic quirks or inbreeding, FLK means "Funny Looking Kid" and NFN signifies "Normal For Norfolk," a rural English county.

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed..
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! Have a lovely day

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, ... don't they?

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'My cock' is not an acceptable answer.

In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. 

He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income - but everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS?

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*nt!'

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they f**k off and its a really nice day

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex,she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do. 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 
'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

After being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, '44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl".

Now i have a$1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman... She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that i would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid- life crises.

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

His dude replies 'You're so fucking lucky... Mine is still alive...'

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'F**k off, you won't bring it back.'

What a day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bully steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say:

"well, - whatcha gonna do about it?"

the little guy starts crying.

 "come on man i was just giving you a hard time," the bikie says, "i didn't think you'd cry. - i can't stand to see a man crying."

"this is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs
"i've got to admit it - i'm a complete failure - i just can't  do anything right."

"i overslept and was late to an important meeting, - so my boss fired me.

When i went to the parking lot, i found my car was stolen and i don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab i took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener - and then my own dog bit me..

So i came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink - i drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve - - - - - -
then you show up and drink the lot !!!"

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... Gees ..I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" 

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine.
He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes epileptic' 

THE VICAR'S SALARY
 
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
 
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
 
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the district, stands up and proclaims;  ' If the Vicar stays I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife a Honda mini-van to transport their children ! '
 
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
 
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, ' If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children ! '
 
More sighs and loud applause.
 
Agnes Jones, aged 88, stands and announces with a smile, ' If the Vicar stays I will give him sex ! '
 
There is total silence within the congregation.
 
The Vicar, blushing, asks her, ' Mrs Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, but whatever possessed you to say that ? '
 
Agnes's 90 year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, ' Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, ' F**k him '.

I fellow worker walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint.

She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

Banking Crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ....The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.  

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your  system. Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU'RE NOT  LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?  

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me?  
A:  Are  you crazy? HELLO Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?  
A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape!  

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND..... For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat and suffer  fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking  English is apparently what kills you

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.
"Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it wet,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!

 
Damn !

 
Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH.

LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

  As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Kevin Rudd is our Prime Minister, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

  Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

  So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six "Kevin 07' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

  I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment..

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is .... you're NOT my Flight instructor'

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had  bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle  of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

He said- I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said- You wear pants don't you?

He said- Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said- That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said- What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said-Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said- Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said- They don't have time.

He said- How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said- We don't know; it has never happened.

He said- Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said- They already have boyfriends.

She said- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said- A widow.

He said- Why are married women heavier than single women? 
She said- Single women come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

TRUE STORY:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.  
There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there for all of  25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum",  said  Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......   "Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...  
 "Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" ..... "Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a  coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You  have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, f**k off!'

Book Report-
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton. 

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic   .... Cost - $29.99
Clinton  ..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic ....  Over 3 hours to read
Clinton  ... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic  ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. 
Clinton  ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic  ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton  ..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic   .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton   ... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic   .... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. 
Clinton  ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic  .... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton  .... Let's not go there.

Titanic  ..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton  ..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. 

Titanic  ....  Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton  .... Clinton  doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic  ....  Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton  ....  Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either. 

Titanic   .... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton   ...  Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attentionto his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick yourwooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

What Starts with F and ends with K  

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked,  'Harry, what's your problem?'  

Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'  

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.  

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave

She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he   agreed to take the test.  
Principal: 
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: 
'9.'  

Principal: 
'What is  6 x 6?'  

Harry: 
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd   grade.'  

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,  
'Let me ask him some questions.' 

The principal and Harry both agreed.  

Ms. Brooks asks,  'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'  

Harry, after a moment:  'Legs.'  

Ms Brooks:  'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'  

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!  

Harry replied:  'Pockets.'  

Ms. Brooks:  'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'  

Harry:  'Pants.'  

Ms. Brooks:  What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and   contains thin, whitish liquid?'  

Harry:  'Coconut.'  

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:  
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'  

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,  'Bubble  gum.' 

Ms. Brooks:  'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog  
does on three legs?'  

Harry:  'Shake hands.'  

The principal was trembling.  

Ms. Brooks:  'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:  'Firetruck.'  

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,  
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The women's group, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The men's group however decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

The men won

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
 
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
 
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
 
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
 
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"  
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"  
   
CAR TROUBLE  
 A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  
She says, "What's the story?"  
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"  
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"  
   
SPEEDING TICKET  
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"  
 
RIVER WALK 
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"  
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You  ARE on the other side."  
   
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."  
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;  
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.  
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?  
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."  
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."  
   
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER !"  
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"  
      
BLONDE ON THE SUN  
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"  
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"  
The Blonde said, "So what BLONDE ON THE SUN ? We're going to be the first on the sun!"  
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"  
   
IN A VACUUM  
 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"  
   
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!  
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"101,237.64. pounds" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64"
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."
 

A fellow back from exploring the Upper Amazon was addressing the gathering at the Explorers Society.

"Many wonders i have seen, but non more wonderous than the strange dance performed by the indians only once a year at a certain time, its called the "putcha dance". They were all intrigued and an expedition was organised so that the dance could be documented.

They travelled many days and nights braving harsh conditions untill they finally arrived at the village.

When the time came close they set up their equipment, the tribe forming a large circle the chief raising his hands in the air announced "the time has come" and continued "putcha right foot in putcha right foot out..."
 

Three fellows were stranded on a deserted island, it was'nt that tough for a while, as plenty of wildlife was available.

However after a while the got down to one monkey and one pig. Well they could'nt eat the monkey as it was so friendly and was well trained. So they decided to fatten the pig up. A bung was shoved up the pigs bum to speed up the fattening process.

When the pig was suitably fat the bung had to be removed from the pigs bum. Not one of them felt like doing that little chore, but the monkey had been trained by one of them to remove the bung.

"It's going to be messy" said one "so i'll stand about 10' away", another said "i'll stand 20' away" and the last said "i'm standing by the beach" when in position they called out to the monkey "PULL".

Well you should have seen the great gush of shit that erupted out of that pig. The bloke by the beach copped a little bit of splatter and raced towards the one 20' away who was half covered with shit. After he was cleared they went to the bloke closest to the pig. He was covered entirely with shit. They quickly went to dig him out, when they could hear laughter coming from inside the pile. When they got his head clear he said "You should have seen that monkey try to put the bung back".
 

An outback pub lined with the patrons utes and dogs in the trays. Two blokes came out and saw one of the dogs licking its balls. "gee I wish I could do that" said one. "Recon you ought to try patting him first" replied the other.
 

A bloke has just died and is sitting in Hell feeling rather sorry for himself.
A Demon wanders up to him and asks "Why the long face?". 
The bloke replies "Well I cant say I am too excited about spending my eternity in Hell".

The Demon replies "Don't be silly, Hell is a great place. You drink?". 
The bloke says "yeh I used to enjoy a drink". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Mondays, everyone just drinks themselves stupid. Kegs galore, every spirit you can think of, the finest wines, liquor everywhere. Everyone just drinks till they pass out then drinks some more". 
The bloke says "that sounds alright".

The Demon continues "Yeh, you smoke cigars?". 
The bloke replies "Yeh i used to enjoy a cigar when i could afford one". The Demon says "Well your gonna love Tuesdays. There is endless amounts of Cuban cigars, everyone just sits around and smokes cigars all day long". The bloke seems impressed. 

The Demon goes on, "You like to gamble?" 
The bloke replies "Yeh i did used to gamble a fair amount when i was alive". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Wednesdays, Hell turns into a big casino. Poker, blackjack, roullette and craps tables as far as the eye can see, heaps of slots, its fantastic. You've got unlimited money, you can gamble your life away and there is no debts or consequences cos your in Hell". The bloke is getting more and more excited. 

The Demon says "You into drugs?". 
The bloke eagerly replies "Yes I used to dabble in a bit of drugs in my younger days". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Thursdays, everyone just gets messed up on drugs. Ecstacy, Speed, Amphedamins, Crack, Cocaine, Heroin, Acid, its all there, smoke a joint if you like, go nuts". 

The bloke is quite optimistic now, "Wow, I am quite looking forward to the thought of Hell now, it sounds like a great place".
 "Too right", says the Demon, "You gay?". 
The bloke pauses, "Um... no, why?" he asks. 
"Hmmm", the Demon grimaces "Your gonna hate Fridays".

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. 

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea And lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" 

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so.
Provided those c!!ts at Jewson deliver the f'ing bricks".

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

A bloke gets home from work one day looking rather down. 
His wife asks whats up.
"I got fired today" he says. 
"What for?" she asks. 
"Well the twenty years I have worked there, I have always wanted to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" he says, "Today i finally did, and i got fired". 
A look of horror comes across his wifes face and she races over and rips down his pants to inspect his penis. "Its fine" she says, surprised. "What happened to the pickle slicer?" she asks. 
The bloke replies "She got fired too".

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

The Price of Stupidity

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there as usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who appologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. And all this over $0.00.

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all them damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there,

I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this here check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face when she hear dat."

So my baby girl, she take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say and what her momma look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now, what yo momma say 'bout that?" 

She say to tell you, "you ain't my daddy! .... and watch the 'spression on yo face."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s room. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the room. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to the men’s room to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Quasimodo was run down and his doctor ordered him to take a complete break from his job. He felt that Notre Dame required its bells to be rung as usual and so couldn’t take leave until he found a suitable replacement bellringer. He advertised the temporary vacancy throughout the French Press but there was only one applicant. It was a funny looking man who had no arms.

"This is crazy," said Quasi. "You’ve got no arms. How do you expect to ring the bells?"

"I’ll use my head," said the little man and took a running leap at the nearest bell, scoring a direct hit and making quite an acceptable sound.

"Not too bad at all," said Quasi. "Try the one on the left!"

The little man took another running leap, but his timing was out and he went over the parapet, falling 100 metres to the pavement below. Quasi limped his way down to the street. A gendarme was standing next to the shapeless remains.

"Do you know this man?" interrogated the policeman.

"Not really, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, another applicant appeared. Obviously he was the identical twin brother, also minus arms. Same deal. A demonstration of his ringing the bells. Same outcome. Squished. Same gendarme standing over the gruesome remains down on the footpath.

"Did you know this man?" asks the gendarme.

"No," said Quasimodo, "but he’s a dead ringer for his brother."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail," he replied.

"What?!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that chick on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle."

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border and I don't take crap from anyone!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole damn country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender asks the three pieces of bitumen what the problem is, and they reply: "Shhhh. Watch what you say, that bloke’s a real cycle path."

A little boy accompanies his mother shopping and is waiting outside the ladies’ dressing room for her to emerge, boredom causing him to fidget. When his mother comes out, she espies her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell, no," he cries, "you've got teeth there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my mother told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her knickers and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

This guy walks into a quiet bar, carrying three ducks – one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the man chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the toilet. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence and so the bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?' he asks the first duck.

"Huey," replies the first duck.

"How’s your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

The bartender then turns to the second duck and says:

"Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey," came the reply.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Just wonderful. Fantastic day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I could have another day just like today, I would do the same again."

The bartender turns to the third duck and says:

"So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck. "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head

"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated reflects terror."

"Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on Compo!!"

Two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

There were two Scotsmen in a pub in Glasgow, comparing scars and old wounds on their respective bodies, legacies of the innumerable fights and brawls they’d been in, and for which much of working-class Glasgow is famous. Each was trying to outdo the other for former acts of bravado and daring.

"See this scar here," said one in an accent that made Billy Connolly sound like an Eton-educated Englishman, "I got that fra’ a big bastard wi’ a razor i’ Gorbals one night!" He pointed to a white line that ran from below one ear to the middle of his chin.

"Och, tha’s nothin’," said the other, "take a look at this!" He turned his head to display a missing earlobe. "Bit off by a sailor in yon boozer doon at they docks!"

"See you and ya wee love bites," said the former, "I nearly lost ma nose fra’ a chibbin’ in Brighton – see they stitches!"

And so it continued, the two so engrossed in their comparisons that they failed to notice they were being observed. Across the other side of the bar, but within earshot, was a monster of a man. Fully 7 foot tall, he had a face that looked like raw meat, hands like hams, and a chest as big as a barrel. He sat alone, his huge bulk dwarfing the table on which he leaned. He listened intently while the erstwhile warriors displayed more and more sections of their battered anatomy. Then he rose, finished his pint, and lumbered over to where they sat.

"See youse two!" he bellowed. Silence fell upon the bar.

"D’youse want ta see a real scar, instead o’ they scratches on ya scrawny wee bodies?"

The two nodded silently, almost paralysed with fear.

Slowly, the huge man unbuttoned his shirt, and then the belt of his trousers, eventually revealing an enormous purple scar that began from under his chin, ran the entire length of his torso, and terminated only an inch above his pubes. The entire bar was transfixed, gazing unbelievingly at this ultimate trophy, this extraordinary badge of pugilistic pride. The giant completed a full 360 degrees display, ensuring that everyone got a good look.

Finally, one of our two warriors managed to break the silence. "Jesus Christ!" he spluttered, "where d’you get that?"

A broad smile split the face of the giant as he uttered but two words, "Post mortem!"

In the run-up to the last British election, Tony Blair was being shown around an Edinburgh hospital by its administrators. Towards the end of his visit, he was shown into a ward of people exhibiting no obvious signs of injury. He greeted the first patient and the chap replied:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."

Tony, somewhat confused, performed his sparkling grin and moved on to the next patient, again greeting him with a smile and hello. This patient replied:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

As Tony was led towards the third patient, that patient began rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turned to the doctors accompanying him and asked, "Uhmmm, I say, what sort of ward is this, a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replied one of the doctors, "it’s the serious Burns unit."

Picture the scene: Early 1950’s, Ireland. A young Irish virgin decides she wants to learn a bit more about life so she packs her bags and bids farewell to her aunt Maureen and takes the boat to Liverpool. She then decides that she wants to get to London to start her new life so she sticks out her thumb and immediately a large car pulls up so in she gets. Being a friendly sort, she starts chatting to the driver.

"And what do you do for a living?" she says.

"I'm a disc jockey" he says, "on the radio".

"Oh my" she says, "do you play requests because my Aunt Maureen will be ever so worried about me and if you could play a request and let her know that I'm all right, I will be most grateful."

"Of course I will," said the DJ, "but you must do something for me first."

"OK," she says.

So he pulls the car over and unzips his fly and pulls out his enormous erect penis.

"Put your lips down to that," he says.

So she leans over, grabs hold of his penis and shouts: "HELLO, AUNTIE MAUREEN…"

A wedding occurred in a little village in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room, generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the courtroom until the judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom went silent and Paddy, the best man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agreed and asked him to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by informing the court that it is traditional part of any wedding in this particular village that the best man got the first dance with bridge. The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I’d finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when, all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

BLOKE RULES

RULE NUMBER 1: Any bloke who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

RULE NUMBER 2: Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella.

RULE NUMBER 3: It is OK for a bloke to cry only under the following circumstances:

a) When an heroic dog dies to save its master.

b) The moment Angelina Jolie begins to unbutton her blouse.

c) After wrecking your boss's car.

d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e) When she is using her teeth

RULE NUMBER 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

RULE NUMBER 5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

RULE NUMBER 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will should the temperature prove to be unsuitable.

RULE NUMBER 7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

RULE NUMBER 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

RULE NUMBER 9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

RULE NUMBER 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning yourself on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it’s free.

RULE NUMBER 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the goolies.

RULE NUMBER 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

RULE NUMBER 13: Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 14: If a bloke's fly is down, that's his problem – you didn't see anything.

RULE NUMBER 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until such time they demonstrate a thorough knowledge of the game.

RULE NUMBER 16: A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

RULE NUMBER 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

RULE NUMBER 18: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

RULE NUMBER 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in slagging off a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

RULE NUMBER 20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

RULE NUMBER 21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 22: A bloke worthy of being called a bloke shall never buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

RULE NUMBER 23: A bloke worthy of being a bloke shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

RULE NUMBER 24: The woman who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

*FOOD SPOILAGE TESTS FOR BACHELORS*

THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT:
It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

(This joke carries a government health warning)

There’s this inflatable boy, see, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable Headmaster approaching him.

The inflatable boy pulls out a knife and stabs the Headmaster before running out of the school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his knife and sinks the knife into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable Headmaster.

(This does get worse, you know.)

Shaking his deflated head – more in sorrow than in anger – the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You’ve let me down; you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down."

Michael and John are bungee-jumping one day. Michael says, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

John thinks about it and agrees this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance coverage, etc.

They travel to a city in Mexico and begin setting up on the Square. As they begin constructing the tower, a crowd starts to assemble below them. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

On completion of the construction, both men climb to the top of the bungee tower. Michael fastens the bungee cord around the ankles of John who then leaps from the tower.

He bounces at the end of the cord but when the cord bounces him back up, Michael notices that John has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Michael isn't able to catch him, and John falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Michael misses grabbing hold of him. Once more, John falls and the cord bounces him back up, only this third time, he comes back pretty messed up; he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Michael finally catches him, and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

John mumbles, "No, the cord was fine, but, what the hell is a Pinãta?"

Two rabbits escape from the Laboratory and see grass for the first time. They’re bouncing through the grass when they meet an older rabbit.

"Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my warren?"

"What’s a warren?" ask the two rabbits.

"Don’t worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see."

So off they go. They like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit’s warren and decide to stay. In the morning, the two rabbits are awoken by the thumping of the older rabbit.

"Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older rabbit.

"What’s a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits.

"Don’t worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see."

So off they go, and they enjoy a day in the fields, eating cabbages. They return very satisfied, with their tummies full of cabbage, and agree that a good day was had by all. The following day, it’s "Come on out for the cabbages" again, and the same for the day after that. At the end of the third day, Rabbit 23 says to Rabbit 17, "These cabbages are good but there must be more to life. Let’s go and find it."

Rabbit 17 agrees, so off they go, across the grass. They meet a younger rabbit.

"Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Come and live in my warren. I’ve got lots of young girlie rabbits staying, and I could use some help."

"Girlie rabbits?" they ask.

"Don’t worry," replies the younger rabbit. "Come and see."

So they agree and, for three days, it’s thump-thump-thump. At the end of the third day, Rabbit 23 says to Rabbit 17, "It’s no good. I’ve got to get out of here!"

"Why?" asks Rabbit 17. "This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims.

"Yes," agrees Rabbit 23, "but it’s been a week and I’m dying for a cigarette."

A young bloke in the Outback of Australia was out checking some cattle fences in his good old EJ Holden ute, when he hit something. He radioed the cattle station for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. He's still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.

"Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp, you'll be able to get it off the bull bars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later, the young jackaroo called in again.

"Hey, boss, I did what ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bull bars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" asked the station manager. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch!"

A couple of hunters in the rural south of the USA are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says, "OK, now what?

A bald-headed man with a wooden leg was invited to attend a fancy dress party. Self-conscious of the naked nature of his head and the woodenness of his leg, he was unsure of what costume to wear in order not to draw attention to them so he wrote to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel from the fancy dress company, accompanied by a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be ideal as a pirate."

The man thought this was terrible because were he to wear the pirate’s costume, it would just emphasis his wooden leg, so he wrote a really rude letter of complaint to the fancy dress company, asking that they look for another costume.

A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which said:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about our previous suggestion. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Reading the note annoyed the man even more than the first note had done. From sending him a costume that would draw attention to his wooden leg, they had sent him a costume that would emphasis both his wooden leg and his bald head. He wrote back to the company an extremely rude letter of complaint.

The following day, he received a small parcel and a note from the fancy dress company, saying:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a woman who constantly nagged him, ever switching between treating him nicely and tearing down his self-esteem. To add to his woes, his best friend was to due to be executed that night for a capital crime.

He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said "Honey, what's the problem?"

"What’s the problem? They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"Oh, darling, I understand how difficult that must be for you. Why don’t you go take a bath and relax. I'll get supper ready for you, sweetie, and you can go down to visit him and say your final farewells. Now, won't that make you feel better?"

He decides to not make the situation worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the newspaper arrived, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The front page headline read, 'WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION.' She knew her husband would want to immediately know of this turn of events and was sure that, upon hearing this news, his spirits would be lifted. She quickly went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.

She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!"

A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, "This is too big a job for me." So he sends her to a specialist in the field, Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus, and says, "This is no problem."

Halfway through the operation, the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says, "You know, lady, it’s people like you that make this job disgusting!"

One hot sunny Summer day in Canada, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speedboat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Being friendly sorts, Tim and Don waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back, he lost his hold on the towline and went down hard. The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier’s life preserver came up without him.

Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dived into the lake and swam out to try and save him. After several fruitless dives, they finally found the water skier lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore.

They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth. All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping? We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing, right?"
"Well, yah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he squandered the weekend and his paycheck partying with the boys, never calling his wife.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a furious wife. After a couple of hours of yelling and screaming his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" He responded, "That would suit me just fine!"
So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
By Thursday, the swelling went down enough so that he could see her a little... just out of the corner of his left eye.

Do you like my Italian Shoes? Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies,"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa,do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that. He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true, " Carmella answers, "Yes,
Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight. " Giorgio gasps and says "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?????

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

"Marriage after a blind date.!" She protested,
"But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" 
"No," she said, 
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. 
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. 
So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. 
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? 
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." 
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 
"Gadzooks, lady! 
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. 
I'm good but not THAT good! 
I don't think it can be done. 
Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, 
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man.

You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. 
That's what I wish for . a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map!"

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he spoke for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any enemies."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy! I just outlived the bitches."

CANADIANS TO HELP U.S.

The Canadian Government is finally going to help America with the war on terrorism.

They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 600 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets.

However, after the American exchange rate, we end up with.....1 canoe, 2 mounties, and a flying squirrel.

Think about this:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
2.The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3.The sport of choice for front line workers is football.
4.The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5.The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6.The sport of choice for corporate officers and professionals is golf.

The amazing conclusion . . . the higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls are!

10). He  said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. 
She said...You wear pants, don't  you?

9). She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? 
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of  money.

8). He said... Since I first laid eyes on you,  I've wanted to make love to you really badly. 
She  said...Well, you succeeded.

7). He said... 'Two inches  more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd  be queen'

6). On wall in ladies room: "My husband  follows me everywhere.." 
Written just below it: "I do  not."

5). He said... "Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the  ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

4). Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find  another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3). He said.. What have you been doing with  all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn  sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

2). He  said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay,  but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

1). He said... Why don't you tell me when you have  an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never  there.

Abra-Kedabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and shortly afterwards, suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Beer Coat: The invisible but very warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.

After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be  required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cider Visor: Beer goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Floggin On: Surfing the Internet for some 'left handed websites.'

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through any space thats too narrow at high speed.

Going for a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a  week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: the contents of a Wonderbra. I.E. Extremely impressive when viewed from outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a half carton in your bed instead.

N.B.R.- No Beers Required: Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.

The opposite of a half carton.

Half Carton: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least half a carton.

2-bagger: Someone that you'd need two paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Hi everyone! For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. 

The population of this country (USA) is 237 million. 
104 million are retired. 
That leaves 133 million to do the work. 
There are 85 million in school, 
which leaves 48 million to do the work. 
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, 
leaving 19 million to do the work. 
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, 
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, 
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 
That leaves just two people to do the work. 

You and me. 
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry.

Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am  Caesar." (Julius Caesar)

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied,
"Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS 
(sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbilly's)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now ,
ya hear?????

Make me feel like a Woman!

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. 
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. 
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

.......one button at a time.

........No one moves.

........He removes his shirt.

.......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......he whispers:

......."HERE, IRON THIS"

Girls' English

Yes = No
No = Yes
May-be = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk" = I need to bitch.
"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!
" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

 Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
" I'm tired " - I'm tired
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal 4 you to have sex with other guys.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103% ? 
Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?
If each letter is given a value, 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z :
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

And a total word is valued by its letters.... Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
And 
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack say to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout which says:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti -fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Subject: Forest Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. 
However, the gates are closed. Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

Here are the questions.

1. "What days of the week begin with the letter T?"

2. "How many seconds are there in a year?"

3. "What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forrest, run.

About last night... As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will crush you with my passion...

...you f@#%&*@ mosquito.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LUST - When sex is called "screwing." 
LOVE - When sex is called "making love."
MARRIAGE - When Intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LUST - When you ! steal everything they own.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all aro! und.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
MARRIAGE When you never see each other awake.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - ! When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things WITH your partner
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and lube.
LOVE - You only! leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, low cut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. The husband, noticing the apes excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape. The husband! suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars. Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy. Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says: "Now, tell him you have a bloody headache."

Not Impaired

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." 
And I said, "No shit."

Hooker Hand job
 Harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until  things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" 
He tells her that she can give him a hand job. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty bucks is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says,
"I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished." Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? 
We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. 
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not. 
He thought for a moment and said, Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said. Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them....give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said.....? You didn't get one either, huh??

Lawyers

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer (this can only happen in America) purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars, lost in the " fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra  Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Give me three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy limps up to the counter and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places. In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Give me a bottle of Deep Heat." The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!" The man replies, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."

AMERICAN DOCTORS v Chinese

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc. "The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies,
"Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 
 "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." 
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs,
"Stupid American doctor! 
American doctor, always want to operate. 
Make more money, that way. 
No need to operate!" 
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. 
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! 
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!

Here's one for the Ladies.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. You can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 3 - 1 to screw in the bulb, and 2 to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a
stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one
egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting in the
toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of Newfoundland, and some Canadians.

The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Doctor Stu Hansell had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Stu, you're a veterinarian...."

A Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, " Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." 
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. Unfortunately, the most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR AMERICANS

General

a.. Never take a beer to a job interview.

b.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

c.. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

d.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

e.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

a.. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.

b.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

a.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

b.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

a.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

b.. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

c.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

a.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

b.. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

c.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theatre Etiquette

a.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

b.. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

a.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

b.. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

c.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance

d.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

a.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the 'roo is in sight.

b.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

c.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

d.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

e.. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001.............
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if  it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

LONG LIVE THE MAN OF 2001

Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2001. Listen up ladies, below is HOW IT REALLY IS.

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down to a gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.

 Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with  it.

Saturday = Football. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat !!

All comments become null and void after 7 days.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them. However the male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are? Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials. When we are in bed and I look tired this means that I am tired and does not mean that I want to discuss the relationship. (But a swift blow job would be ok !) If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine. Dieting doesn't work without exercise. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.

The ball's in your court.

17 Ways To Brighten Up A Gloomy Day

Next time you are having a bad day, try a few of  these remedies. 
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Insist that your e-mail address is ":"
 4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if he/she wants fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
 6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
 7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. 
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favors."
10. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically when they answer.
14. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play  a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. At lunchtime, go to the nearest ATM and, when the money comes out, scream "I Won! I Won! This is the third time this week!"

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices. He helped folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including, body piercing, whole language, Ebonics and new math. His health declined when he became infected with the "If it only helps one person it's worth it" bug. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors.

Common Sense knew the end was near when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low-flow toilets, smart guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
Three stepbrothers survive him: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral unfortunately, because so few realize he is gone.

Prime Minister Howard ANNOUNCED TODAY :
that the Goods and Services Tax would definitely apply to the PENIS because it provides a SERVICE.

The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide.

This was due to the fact that:
40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed.
30% of the time it is hard up.
20% of the time it is pissed off.
10% of the time it is in a hotel.

On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

EFFECTIVE FROM JULY 1ST, 2001

A penis will be taxed according to size:

10 - 12 " = LUXURY TAX
8 - 10 " = POLL TAX
5 - 8 " = PRIVILEGE TAX
4 - 5 " = NUISANCE TAX

** males exceeding 12 " must file under CAPITAL GAINS !!!!
Anyone under 4 " is eligible for a refund.

(PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION)
THE TAXPAYER'S ASSOCIATION IS STILL AWAITING

CLARIFICATION ON A NUMBER OF QUESTIONS RAISED ON THIS NEW TAX.
These include:
"Are there penalties for early withdrawals?"
"What if one's penis is self-employed?"
"Do multiple partners count as a Corporation?"
"Are condoms deductible as work clothes?"

The Difference Between Guts and Balls

Guts- is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Clarrie, whilst employed, is what is known as a "contagious"worker. It seems to take the contagious to finish a job.

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